


my boyfriend plays minecraft (for the first time!) (NOT CLICKBAIT)

by unsungillumination



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, M/M, Youtuber AU, minecraft au, pause tags to sigh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-07-04 01:35:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15831057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsungillumination/pseuds/unsungillumination
Summary: “Today I’ve got Goro playing Minecraft,” says Ren, “because he’s never played it –”“Apparently it’s very important that I do –”“Well, obviously,” Ren retorts. “It’s Minecraft. It’s a pillar of society.”a birthday gift for stevie@soupsleuth's younger sister! please help me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> happy (early) birthday laurel! thanks for this very amazing idea that made stevie almost disown both of us. this is the stupidest thing i've ever written. hope you like it.

   “How do I dig?”

   “Click.”

   “I’m just waving at it –”

   “Click and hold down –”

   “Oh!” Goro blinks as the block explodes. He turns to Ren and beams. “Oh, I got it.”

   “You got it,” says Ren, trying not to laugh. “You really showed that dirt who’s boss. Great job, babe.”

   “Thank you.” Goro clicks on another block. “What do I do with it?”

   “With – with the dirt?”

   “Yes. Can I build something with it?” Goro is steadily collecting dirt. “People have made some truly amazing creations in this game, or so I’ve seen. Can I build those?”

   “I – uh, yeah, sure. When did you see that stuff?” Ren coughs. “Are you going to build something with – with dirt?”

   “I researched. For this video. How do I use this?” Goro clicks a couple times and looks surprised when a dirt block appears in front of the player character. “It’s floating.”

   “Yeah. It’s dirt. It does that.”

   “No it doesn’t,” Goro objects, now wandering in fascinated circles around the floating dirt.

   Ren clears his throat.

   _jokerplaysminecraft420 presents_

_an unironic production_

_pixelated flame effects_

   “Hey,” he says, now addressing the camera. “What’s up, gamers?”

   Goro snorts, still circling the block.

   “This is my boyfriend, Goro,” Ren continues. “You might know him already.”

   “Hello,” Goro says, pausing his dirt inspection to smile enchantingly at the camera. “Thank you for having me, Ren.”

   “Uh-huh. Go back to your dirt, babe.”

   Goro has moved on to a nearby tree.

   “Today I’ve got Goro playing Minecraft,” says Ren, “because he’s never played it –”

   “Apparently it’s very important that I do –”

   “Well, obviously,” Ren retorts. “It’s Minecraft. It’s a pillar of society.”

   “What’s that?” Goro says suddenly, swinging around warily to stare at a blocky green creature.

   Ren looks on, unconcerned. “So the deal is,” he says, “I told Goro I’d tell him how to play, but he insisted he wanted to figure it out for himself. So, I told him how to get dirt, and the rest is up to him.”

   “What’s that?” Goro says again, more urgently. The green thing is advancing. He starts backing up.

   “You’re going to fall off the cliff,” Ren points out.

   “Is that bad?”

   “Find out,” Ren invites.

   Goro pauses at the edge of the cliff. The green thing gets closer.

   “I don’t have weapons,” he says.

   “Oh, no.”

   “How do I get weapons? I saw a – there was a cardboard sword at the game store that looked like this. How do I – oh!”

   The green thing explodes. Goro flies backwards off the cliff.

   _You died._

   Goro stares uncomprehendingly at the screen. “Oh, I died.”

   “You did,” Ren agrees. “Good job.”

   “Did I lose all my dirt?” Goro looks forlorn.

   “It’s okay. There’s plenty of dirt. You can start again.”

   “How do I fight those things?”

   Ren doesn’t reply.

   “You’re not going to tell me?” Goro asks.

   “I thought you wanted to figure it out for yourself.”

   Goro restarts.

   “Are you going to get dirt again?” Ren asks.

   Goro considers. “I might try for wood. Is it the same principle?”

   “Is what?”

   “Gathering materials from trees.” Goro swats aimlessly at the tree a few times before remembering to hold down the button. “Oh, got it.”

   “You did it.”

   “The rest of the tree is floating,” says Goro, annoyed. “Why do they do that?

   “I don’t know. Why are we cubes?”

   Goro considers this, then goes back to the tree.

   Ren leans forward, amused. “So?” he prompts. “What’s your plan?”

   “I’m going to make a house,” Goro decides. “A floating house.”

   “A floating house! Ambitious.”

   Goro sniffs.

   “I might as well get something out of these bizarre physics,” he says.

   “Are you going to use wood?”

   “Maybe I’ll use dirt,” says Goro.

   “You’re going to make a dirt house?”

   “It’s easier to get. It’s quicker.”

   Ren clicks his tongue. “You’ll compromise on quality.”

   “I don’t know how I’m getting materials from this tree by just pawing at it,” says Goro, annoyed. “None of this makes sense.”

   “You can craft tools. It’s called Minecraft.”

   “I don’t know how to do that.”

   “And you don’t want me to tell you.”

   “No.” Goro squints at the screen. “This ‘craft’ option is related, I presume.”

   “You’re right.”

   “I don’t know how to use this. How do I – is there a command box somewhere?”

   “What are you trying to make?”

   “I don’t know,” says Goro. “What can I make? Can I make a gun?”

   “You want a _gun_?” Ren can’t stop his laugh in time, and Goro glares at him. “Why do you want a gun? You can’t build a house with a gun.”

   “I can defend myself from those green things. What are they called?”

   “’Creepers’.”

   “Creepers. I can defend myself from the creepers.”

   “It exploded,” Ren points out. “Do you really want to shoot it?”

   Goro thinks for a moment.

   “It would be satisfying,” he decides, and Ren throws his head back and laughs.

   “That’s my boyfriend,” he says proudly, addressing the camera. “Would shoot a bomb.”

   “That’s me.” Goro shoots him a fond look. “What happens if I jump off this cliff? I’m curious. Does this game have fall damage?”

   “Try it and find out.”

   Goro shakes his head. “You’d risk my life. All right.” He runs off the cliff and Ren yelps in surprise.

   “I didn’t think you’d do it!”

   “Live a little,” Goro says primly, plummeting to his doom.

   Or not. He lands in the water. “Oh.”

   “Oh?”

   “Oh,” says Goro. “I didn’t die.”

   “Is that –” Ren pauses, struggling. “Is that bad?”

   “No. Why didn’t I die? A fall from that height –” Goro frowns. “So there’s no fall damage?”

   “There is,” says Ren.

   “But –”

   “Not if you land in water. Then you’re safe.”

   “But that doesn’t make any sense,” says Goro, frustrated. “Oh, well. I didn’t die. Never look a gift cliff fall in the mouth, I suppose.”

   “That doesn’t make –”

   “What’s that?” Goro asks, distracted by the pulsating rectangle in the corner of the pool. “Is that a squid?”

   “I always thought they were octopi.”

   “Doesn’t matter,” Goro says absently. He swims towards it. “Can I kill it?”

   “ _That’s_ your first thought? What if you can befriend it?”

   “I want to kill it, though. _Can_ I befriend it?”

   “Well, no.”

   Goro flails his arm at the squid. It explodes.

   “Oh!”

   “You don’t need to look so delighted,” says Ren, eyeing him warily. “You just _murdered_ a _living creature_.”

   “How do I get that ink sac?” Goro says, bright-eyed and fascinated by the blob at the bottom of the pool. He stops swimming and sinks. “Oh!”

   “Looting its corpse,” Ren mumbles.

   “Oh, don’t get high and mighty,” says Goro, collecting the sac and rocketing back up to the surface. “It’s a squid eat dog world.”

   “You don’t make _any_ sense.”

   “I’m going to start building my house,” Goro announces.

   Ren glances at the timer. “This is going to be a seventy-part series at this rate.”

   “Dirt collecting montage,” Goro suggests.

   Dirt collecting montage.

   “I have collected dirt,” Goro says, at the end of the dirt collecting montage.

   “Do you have enough dirt to build a house?”

   “I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out.” Goro puts a block in front of him and hops on top of it.

   Ren’s gotten bored of watching him collect dirt and is pacing back and forth behind him.

   “Whatcha doin’?” He rests his chin on Goro’s head.

   “I’m going up.” Goro puts another block in the air and hops on top of it.

   “You’re making stairs? I thought this was gonna be a floating house.”

   “I have to get _up_ there first,” Goro points out, like this should be obvious.

   “I see.”

   Goro reaches his desired height and starts placing blocks more deliberately.

   “Do you have a floorplan?”

   “I plan,” says Goro, “to have a floor.”

   “Ah. My favourite kind of floorplan.”

   Goro starts walking across his blocks.

   “How long is this going to take?” asks Ren. “Dirt placing montage?”

   Dirt placing montage.

   “Goro has a house now,” Ren declares. “Well, he has a partial dirt box. That levitates.”

   “I’m going to get windows.”

   “Get windows?”

   “ _Craft_ windows,” Goro corrects himself.

   “You know how?”

   “I assume… sand and fire?”

   Ren blinks.

   “Did I get it right?” Goro beams at the camera. “It’s simple logic.”

   “Yeah, well,” says Ren, recovering himself. “Did you know that if you walk into the fire, you… will be on fire?”

   Goro is so busy shaking his head at him that he accidentally steps off the edge of the floating house and yelps. “Oh,” he says, half his hearts gone. “There’s the fall damage.”

   “Go kill a sheep,” Ren suggests.

   “I don’t have a weapon.”

   “You punched a squid to death. Go punch a sheep.”

   “I don’t want to punch a sheep,” says Goro, distressed. “Can’t I be a vegetarian?”

   “You killed a squid!”

   “A pescatarian. I didn’t eat the squid.” Goro ventures out to find sand. “Where do I find fire?”

   “I can’t tell you that,” says Ren, and Goro throws the mousepad at him. “I’m being assaulted!”

   “Cry me a river.”

   “Why, you looking for another squid to punch?”

   “Squid don’t live in rivers.” Goro finds the sand. “I found sand.”

   “Good job. Can you find fire?”

   Goro sets out on an adventure.

   Ren watches. “You should make some tools.”

   “I don’t know how.”

   “Do you have wood?”

   Goro does.

   “Try crafting it,” Ren suggests.

   Goro looks uncertainly at the crafting box.

   “What shape is a pickaxe, roughly?” Ren prompts.

   It clicks. Goro gets a pickaxe. “That’s a stupid system.”

   Ren shrugs. “The target audience has no problem with it,” he says, smug.

   Goro glares at him.

   “Stop walking,” Ren instructs suddenly.

   “You can’t tell me what to do.” Goro catches on fire. “Oh.”

   Ren shakes his head sadly. “You could have just asked me how to make a torch instead of becoming one,” he sighs. “Go find water.”

   “I gathered,” Goro snaps, already running for water. He un-catches fire. “I suppose I have to punch a sheep.”

   “Mm. Good luck.”

   Goro takes out his sand and makes some glass before ensuring his continued survival.

   “Sheep hunting montage?” he suggests.

   Cotton Eye Joe plays.

   Goro finds a sheep. “I guess I have to punch it. Can I hit it with my pickaxe?”

   “Sure. You can make a sword.”

   “Oh.” Goro pauses to figure out what a sword shape is. “That’s a stupid sword shape.”

   “Least you have a sword.”

   Goro slashes the sheep with a sword. It explodes. “I have wool now.”

   “And meat. You should cook it.”

   “Back to the fire?”

   We Didn’t Start The Fire plays.

   Half a second of We Didn’t Start The Fire plays. “I’m going to get a copyright strike,” says Ren.

   “I wish my professor focused more on the loopholes commonly exploited for copyright law,” Goro sighs.

   “I’m gonna shove you into a locker,” Ren says fondly.

   Goro cooks the meat. “I should go put my windows in.”

   “Take some fire first,” Ren suggests. “Use sticks.”

   Goro uses sticks. “Oh! I have torches now.”

   “You can call me Prometheus,” Ren says, preening.

   “I’ll call the eagle,” says Goro, and leans over to peck him on the cheek.

 

* * *

 

   “I finished my house,” says Goro, beaming at the camera.

   “Look at my boyfriend’s dirt house,” says Ren, smiling at him with a mixture of pride and amusement.

   Pan around the dirt house.

   “It’s beautiful,” says Ren, kissing him. “I’m very impressed.”

   Goro laughs. “Thank you for letting me make a fool of myself on your channel. I had a lovely time.”

   “Punched some squid,” Ren suggests.

   “Caught on fire,” Goro adds. “Uncaught on fire.”

   Ren hums. “Still hot,” he decides, and Goro laughs again. “Okay. Thanks for watching, gamers. Say bye to the gamers, Goro.”

   Goro acquiesces.

   Bye, gamers.


	2. Start Broadcast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goro streams console minecraft to an enthusiastic audience made of his best friend, ann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on a true story.

   _Your stream is online!_

   **Panther42069** HEYY

   Goro coughs. “Is this working?” he asks in a low voice, sounding a bit anxious. “Can you hear me?

   Pause.

   **Panther42069** yeah!!!

   “Okay,” says Goro. “Um. Hi. I’m playing Minecraft.”

   He paws at some dirt.

   “I don’t remember how to play,” he says.

   Another pause, while he scrabbles at a tree.

   **Panther42069** didn’t ren teach u??

   “Yes,” says Goro. “No. He was useless. How do I turn on creative mode? I don’t want to fight monsters.”

   **Panther42069** /gamemode command

   “Ah,” says Goro. “How do I do that on console?”

   **Panther42069** oh.

   Goro sighs.

   “Well, I suppose I’ll just die,” he says, offhandedly.

   **Panther42069** noooooooooo

   Goro flickers pointlessly in and out of several menus.

   “I forgot how to craft,” he says, making several planks.

   More planks.

   This is a lot of planks. “I don’t want any more planks!”

   **Panther42069** stop clicking!!!

   The chat’s delay is Goro’s demise. He has so many planks now. “Is this too many planks…?”

   **Panther42069** make sticks

   “Why do I need sticks?”

   He makes sticks while Ann types.

   **Panther42069** oh u know

   “Thanks.”

   He has sticks now. “I have sticks.”

   **Panther42069** congrats

   “I need to make a shelter,” Goro says nervously. “There are going to be monsters…” He swivels around a few times and spots a pile of wooden blocks. “Maybe I can use this.”

   **Panther42069** stop spinning im dizzy!!

   Goro is repurposing the pile of wooden blocks into a small hut.

   Very small. It’s three blocks wide. “This is my depression corner.”

   **Panther42069** DEPRESSION CORNER

   “I think it’s beautiful,” Goro announces, accidentally placing a plank in front of his face and boxing himself into the wall. “Oh.”

   **Panther42069** babe ur doing so good

   **Panther42069** it’s beautiful

   “Thank you.” Goro has removed the offending plank.

   The hut is now a small wooden box covered in darkness.

   “I should make a door,” Goro says, unable to see anything.

   **Panther42069** good thing u have so many planks

   Goro can’t figure out how to make a door. “Oh. Do I need a crafting table? To… craft things? I think I remember how to do that.”

   He does.

   “I have a crafting table now,” he says proudly.

   **Panther42069** good job!!

   Goro swipes at the crafting table.

   Goro swipes at the crafting table again.

   **Panther42069** babe use the other trigger button thing

   “Oh, yeah.” Goro opens the crafting table menu. “Thank you.”

   Navigating to the door creates a small snafu. Minecraft menus are notoriously difficult to navigate. Only the greatest minds of our century can manage such a feat without pausing the broadcast accidentally five times.

   “I’m back,” Goro says, some minutes later.

   **Panther42069** wb

   **Panther42069** ur a mess

   “A mess with a door!” Goro says proudly. “Oh, I have three.”

   **Panther42069** congrats

   “I don’t need three doors,” Goro says in mild distress.

   He places one door. It takes up one third of one wall. Three doors and the house will begin to be at risk of being more door than house.

   **Panther42069** u have a house!

   Goro says decisively, “I’m going to go beat up a sheep with this door.”

   **Panther42069** YEAH

   As it turns out, there are no more sheep in the area.

   **Panther42069** beat up a sheep cmon!!!

   “I already killed one before you joined,” Goro says, despondent. “I’m sorry. I guess there was only one.”

   **Panther42069** nooooooooooooo

   “What a fucked-up ecosystem,” Goro agrees.

   He’s still holding the door.

   “I need a weapon,” he decides suddenly, and smacks into the wall of his house. “Oh.”

   **Panther42069** u had a 1/3 chance of getting the door

   “You have a 100% chance of being quiet.”

   **Panther42069** ur bad at math

   **Panther42069** qqqqq

   **Panther42069** qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

   **Panther42069** OWWWWWWWW

   Goro stops smacking his microphone loudly against the desk. “I hope we’ve learned a lesson.”

   **Panther42069** ive learned ur a bitch

   “You already knew that.” Goro is now holding a pickaxe. “I have a weapon!”

   **Panther42069** congratulations on ur 1 weapon

   “Thank you. I’m deadly.” Goro makes an axe, because the tutorial is demanding he make an axe. “Is a wooden axe really going to be very helpful with trees?”

   **Panther42069** idk i never did the tutrial

   **Panther42069** *tutorial

   “Tutrial,” Goro says helpfully.

   **Panther42069** can u shut up

   Goro is using the axe. “This is definitely how axes work,” he mutters. “I’m just rubbing it against the tree.”

   **Panther42069** sexcee

   Goro makes a scoffing sound that no written language could capture.

   It starts to rain. “Am I going to die?!”

   **Panther42069** ur fine

   “Can I craft an umbrella?” Goro runs frantically in a circle. “Are there umbrellas? Can I get struck by lightning? I should stay away from the water –”

   **Panther42069** ASDJSLK U CAN’T CRAFT AN UMBRELLA

   **Panther42069** U CANT GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING

   “Oh, okay.” Goro’s frantic regard for personal safety vanishes into self-destructive apathy. He starts wandering in circles. “Can I get a torch…? They’re fire and sticks, right…?”

   Goro finds some fire.

   He smacks it with a stick.

   The fire goes out.

   “Oh,” says Goro.

   **Panther42069** u cant get torches like that

   **Panther42069** yeah.

   “Thanks,” Goro grumbles.

   It’s still raining.

   “Maybe I should go home.”

   Goro goes home.

   **Panther42069** get wool make a bed

   “I have wool,” Goro says, and chucks it across the floor. “Oh, that’s not the right button.”

   **Panther42069** i think u need 2 wools

   “Well, there’s not two sheep,” Goro says crossly. “I guess I’ll just stand here.”

   He does this.

   _Make a furnace_ , says the tutorial, like it has been for the past ten minutes.

   “Oh, I need cobblestone.” Goro ventures out into the rain again. He swipes his wooden pickaxe at some rocks. “There’s really no reason this should work.”

   He moves on to a slightly different looking rock.

    _Cobblestone_ , the tutorial informs him.

   “Oh,” he says. “Then what was the other rock?”

   Ann, ever helpful in the chat, says nothing.

   Goro continues to live in mystery.

   Live in mystery with some cobblestone. “I got some cobblestone.”

   **Panther42069** u sure did!

   He ventures back home again.

   “This must be really thrilling viewing for you,” he says into the microphone.

   **Panther42069** it is

   **Panther42069** it’s very wholesome

   Goro makes a kissy noise into the microphone and crafts a furnace. “I can set things on fire now!”

   _Make some charcoal_ , the tutorial tells him.

   “I don’t know how to do that.”

   _Make some charcoal_ , the tutorial still tells him.

   “How do I do that?” Goro asks, frustrated.

   The tutorial is text on a screen and does not answer.

   “Ann, how do I make charcoal?”

   **Panther42069** u have to mine it in caves i thot???

   “But it’s telling me to make some. Are you thinking of coal?”

   **Panther42069** uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

   “I thought you played this game a lot.

**Panther42069** I ONLY

   **Panther42069** F A R M

   “Farmgirl,” Goro says fondly.

   **Panther42069** ill look it up

   Goro cooks his mutton with sticks.

   **Panther42069** wtf. i sent u a photo on twitter im mad

   Goro checks his Twitter.

   It’s a screencap of Minecraft wiki. “So you need charcoal,” he says slowly, “to make charcoal.”

   The chat is moving very fast. Ann is very angry about the charcoal.

  **Panther42069** HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE

   **Panther42069** U NEED INGREDIENT A! TO MAKE INGREDIENT A U NEED INGREDIENT A

   **Panther42069** WHAT THE FUC

   Goro stops reading the chat.

   “I think I can make it with sticks,” he says.

   **Panther42069** oh

   “It’s still stupid,” he adds.

   **Panther42069** YEAh

   Goro sets some charcoal going.

   _Make glass_ , the tutorial demands.

   “I don’t want glass.”

   _Make glass._

   Goro, unable to defy the Minecraft gods, sets out to make glass.

   **Panther42069** wow i hate this tutrial

   **Panther42069** *TUTORIAL WHY CAN’T I

   “Tutrial,” Goro says again, happily.

   **Panther42069** i h8 u

   Goro makes some glass. “I’m gonna make windows.”

   He places two pieces of glass in a hole on the wall. They vanish into the ether.

   He places another piece of glass in front of his face by accident. “Hey.”

   He paws at it. It shatters. “What!”

   **Panther42069** u cant mine glass

   “Why not!”

   **Panther42069** it’s glass!! if u smack it it breaks

   Goro glares at the screen. “Why does it only apply logic _sometimes_?”

   **Panther42069** idk. minecraft

   **Panther42069** i just make farms.

   “I want to kill some more things.”

   **Panther42069** so go

   “I can’t. This is the demo version. I can’t leave the area.”

   **Panther42069** no murder for u i guess…

   “Aw.”

   Goro  manages to make a window at last.

   The tutorial gods, appeased, finally vanish. Goro is free.

   “Oh, fuck, it’s night time.”

   **Panther42069** u have a house!

   Goro cowers in his house.

   “Maybe I’ll take this opportunity to dig.”

   He digs. “I’m making a basement.”

   **Panther42069** proud of u babe

   The basement is getting quite deep. “I hope there aren’t spiders. This is such compelling gameplay, Ann. I’m sure you’re thrilled by this.”

   **Panther42069** i am this is the best minecraft experience

   Goro makes some stairs and promptly smacks his head on them. “This space is too small…”

   **Panther42069** no it’s beautiful

   Goro carefully places a single oak sapling on the floor of his basement. “That’ll prosper underground,” he says.

   Ann doesn’t seem to have anything to say about this.

   Goro returns to the ground level of his house.

   There is now a gaping hole in the floor. The door is inaccessible due to there is a hole in front of it.

    **Panther42069** good thing u have 2 more doors!

   “Oh, yes.” Goro places another door on the other side of the house. “You know, I think I’ll venture outside.”

   **Panther42069** :0

   Goro makes a stone sword. “I’m armed and ready. **”**

**Panther42069** go get em babe!!

   Goro opens the door and steps cautiously outside.

   He circles the house. Very. Slowly. Very –

   SCREAMING. VERY SCREAMING.

   Goro smashes the buttons in panic, changing the view into third person and falling off a few blocks. “What is that?! What was that?! Oh my god, it’s going to kill me –”

   He scrambles gracefully back up the blocks, not, because they’re blocks, and nothing is graceful about this, and he smashes directly back into the other door, and then he opens it with elegance and finesse, and falls directly into his basement hole.

   The door is still open.

   The other door is still open.

   Goro can’t see the doors. He’s too busy frantically cycling between views.

   The screen is treated to a close-up of Goro’s beautiful blocky face. “Help!”

   Ann is silent.

   Goro finds his view again and smacks desperately at the door by the hole. It closes.

   He clambers back up into his house. “I’m safe,” he decides, and turns around, and the other door is still wide open. “Fuck!”

   Goro’s hand-eye co-ordination is bad. Clicking this door closed is the most difficult thing he’s ever done. He deserves a Nobel prize for this.

   _Now_ he’s safe.

   **Panther42069** what happened????? i went on twitter for one second???????

   “I almost _died_ and you weren’t here!”

   **Panther42069** what was it??

   “I don’t – it was black and it had two legs. That doesn’t help.”

   **Panther42069** oh don’t look directly at those they kill u instantly

   “Great!” Goro snaps. “I love instant death!”

   He creeps up to his door. There’s a purple eye visible somewhere in the background.

   Goro screeches. “It’s still there!”

    **Panther42069** it’s called an Enderman!

   Goro clambers back down into his hole again.

   “I’m staying here,” he announces. “No matter what happens, dirt is always there for me and I appreciate that.”

   **Panther42069** i love ur inspirational dirt quotes.

   “I don’t want to die,” Goro says petulantly. “I just want to quietly live my dirt life in peace.”

   **Panther42069** i support u and ur dirt life

   Goro stays in the hole.

   Time passes.

   There’s a timer on screen now. “Is that how much time I have left until morning?” Goro sneaks back up and peers outside. “Oh… It’s light now.”

   Goro opens the door.

   “There are no monsters during the day, right?” He ventures outside.

   The timer ends.

   The Minecraft gods reappear to inform him his demo time is up.

   “But I spent the whole time in a hole,” Goro says, distraught.

   **Panther42069** #dirtlyf

   “And I didn’t get to punch any more sheep.”

   **Panther42069** :(

Goro exits to the menu and presses Start again.

   “Oh! I can keep playing?”

   **Panther42069** ASDJALFJS DID U JUST RESTART

   “Yes! There’s a new sheep! I had to let you see me hit a sheep.”

   **Panther42069** PUNCH IT

   **Panther42069** OMG THANKS

   GORO PUNCHES THE SHEEP.

   GORO PUNCHES THE SHEEP AGAIN.

   (Goro laughs maniacally while punching the sheep.)

   The sheep explodes. “Yes!”

   **Panther42069** WOW sheep murder simulator 3000

   “Okay,” Goro says happily. “I did what I came for. I’m going to end the stream now. I hope you had fun.”

   **Panther42069** I DID

   **Panther42069** LOVE U

   “Love you, too,” says Goro fondly. “See you later, Ann.”

   **Panther42069** BYE

   _Your broadcast has ended._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (thanks for the ann to my goro [@rnoonjelly](https://twitter.com/rnoonjelly) ilu)


	3. floating picket fence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's time to settle down and live a peaceful minecraft life.
> 
> (commission for laurel [@palgals_](https://twitter.com/palgals_) on twitter!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i wrote the first chapter as a joke gift for laurel and now we're back again. bookends and all that. well enjoy

   “Good afternoon, gamers,” says Goro.

   “You stole my greeting,” says Ren, disturbed. “And ruined it.”

   “We’re playing Minecraft,” says Goro, ignoring him.

   “It was Goro’s idea this time,” says Ren, shooting him a pointed look. “You’re turning my channel into a Minecraft channel.”

   “Good,” says Goro primly, and smacks Ren with a piece of mutton.

   “Ow!”

   “You’re in my way.” Having nudged Ren aside, Goro clambers onto the tall ladder and begins climbing.

   “Wait for me.”

   “I can’t. If I stop I’ll fall on your head.”

   “That’s the price I pay,” says Ren dramatically, “for _love_.”

   Goro ignores him and keeps climbing.

   “Where are you going, Goro?” Ren asks, climbing somewhere underneath him.

   “Home,” says Goro.

   “Wanna tell the viewers where ‘home’ is?”

   “They’ll see soon enough.” Goro keeps climbing.

   Goro is still climbing.

   Goro reaches the top. “I’m home.”

   “You’re back awfully late,” says Ren, still on the ladder.

   Goro swirls his side of the split screen around to show off their house.

   It’s a significant upgrade from the dirt house. This house is not made of dirt, for example.

   “Goro thought we should make another floating house,” says Ren, reaching the not-dirt house at last. “You know, like a callback.”

   Goro smiles proudly at him in real life. “Welcome back.”

   “Thanks, honey.” Ren wanders around their house. “Goro’s been playing a lot of Minecraft.”

   “All right,” says Goro, embarrassed. “That’s enough out of you. It’s not that much.”

   Ren looks at the camera like he’s in a non-descript generic sitcom.

   Goro smacks him with the mutton again.

   “Why are you still holding that?!”

   “I haven’t had a chance to cook it,” Goro says apologetically, standing right next to the furnace.

   “I’ve been playing with him, obviously,” says Ren. “So this is our house. Should we give the gamers a tour, Goro?”

   Time to give the gamers a tour.

   “This is the front door,” says Ren, accidentally falling out the front door and plummeting the entire height of the ladder to the cube earth below. “Oh, fuck.”

   “I’ll remember you fondly,” says Goro solemnly, creeping to the entrance and peering down at all Ren’s belongings scattered around the foot of the ladder.

   Ren respawns and scuttles to the ladder more carefully this time to collect his things. “Goro, keep touring for the gamers.”

   “This is my boyfriend, who just died,” Goro says dutifully.

   “Thanks.”

   “I’ll take you to the balcony,” Goro announces, and leads the camera out to a layered balcony on the side of the house.

   The first section is just a balcony. “This is our balcony.”

   “Show them the farm,” Ren says, peering at Goro’s side of the screen and not noticing himself drifting off the ladder and hitting the floor again. “Fuck!”

   “It’s okay, you’re not dead. There’s food in the chest.”

   “If I don’t die again getting back up,” Ren says mournfully.

   “Hm, try not to.” Goro climbs up from the balcony onto the roof of the house, and then hops down off another side of the roof and lands on a second balcony. It’s a small bed of crops. “This is our farm.”

   “Ann made most of it.”

   “Comes into our home,” Goro grumbles. “Makes a farm in our house then passes out on our couch.”

   “I love Ann.”

   “I also love Ann.” Goro carefully sidesteps the crops and splashes through the water to reach another layer of the farm balcony. “This is our sky paddock.”

   “We are such irresponsible farmers…” Ren’s made it back up to the house and is now dutifully crunching on some potatoes.

   “Yes, they’re probably scared out of their minds,” Goro says comfortably, regarding the multiple cows and sheep and pigs and chickens floating hundreds of feet off the earth.

   Goro produces some wheat and carrots.

   “Goro, no,” Ren says, thoroughly distressed.

   “Make love, not war,” says Goro, feeding the animals and watching them multiply.

   “There’s not enough room!”

   Goro considers.

   “Make love _and_ war,” he amends, and slashes some sheep with a sword.

   “Oh my _god_.”

   Goro waves his mutton in the air. “We have so much mutton. Why are you eating potatoes?”

   “I’m a vegan,” Ren announces.

   “We had bacon for breakfast.”

   “I’m a _Minecraft_ vegan.”

   “You ate a _pork chop_ yesterday. In-game.”

   “Where’s your dog?” Ren asks, defeated.

   Goro visibly brightens. “He’s sitting in the other room. One moment –” He dashes into the other room.

   “I have a cat,” says Ren to the camera. “He’s hanging out somewhere.”

   Goro is fetching his dog.

   “This is my dog,” he says, walking back into the main room with dog in tow. “I love him.”

   The dog circles him happily.

   Goro feeds him a pork chop.

   “That’s human food,” Ren says. “Give him rotten flesh.”

   Goro sniffs. “What does it matter to you? I thought you were vegan.”

   “I was _obviously_ lying about that.”

   “Bananas deserves the best.”

   “I forgot you named your dog Bananas.”

   Bananas barks happily about the pork chop. He has a yellow collar. (Like bananas, which are also yellow.)

   “Fun fact,” says Ren. “Bananas has a yellow collar, like bananas, which are also yellow.” Fun facts with Minecraft.

   “Bananas has killed Ren three times,” Goro says proudly.

   Ren scowls. “Only because you keep getting in my way and making me hit you accidentally.”

   “Bananas is my most loyal friend,” says Goro, feeding Bananas another pork chop.

   Bananas gazes adoringly at Goro.

   “Where is my cat,” says Ren, distressed, and then the cat teleports next to him. “Oh, there he is.”

   “I don’t understand how they do that.”

   “They have to follow you but cats can’t climb ladders.” On camera, Ren leans down to pick up a real and non-cube black cat by its armpits. “Can you, Mona-Mona? You can’t climb ladders,” he coos in a baby voice. “You can’t climb ladders because you’re a dumby and don’t have thumbies. Bwub bwub bwub bwub –”

   Mona-Mona meows, thoroughly unimpressed.

   “Silly kitty. No ladders for you, kitty.”

   Goro regards them with the airs of a bored toddler at the zoo.

   “This is our cat,” he says. “Our real cat. Morgana.”

   “Mohwhwgaaahhhnaaaaah,” Ren says seriously into Morgana’s ear, and then flicks it with his nose.

   Morgana tolerates this.

   The Minecraft cat on screen meows, neglected.

   “This cat is also black,” says Goro. “Did you name it Morgana?”

   “No, his name is Baked Beans.”

   Pause.

   “Why?” asks Goro, suspicious.

   Ren beams at the camera. “Goro burnt some baked beans once –”

   “Okay –”

   “And then they went black –”

   “That’s enough,” Goro says, cross.

   “And Baked Beans has beans on his toes,” Ren finishes, very pleased with himself.

   “I get it,” Goro grumbles.

   Baked Beans meows again. Ren fishes out some raw cod from his inventory and feeds him.

   “I like our house,” Goro says suddenly, spinning around again to show it off. “I’m proud of it.”

   “And it’s only been on fire _twice_.”

   “Yes,” says Goro, glaring at Ren warningly.

   Ren is blind to warnings because he has no regard for his own health and safety. “Goro set it on fire,” he tells the camera cheerfully.

   “I didn’t _mean_ to.”

   “ _Let’s make a fireplace_ ,” says Ren, in a mocking, high-pitched voice that sounds absolutely nothing like anything, especially Goro, who is a something. “ _Yes, I know our house is made of wood, Ren. What does that have to do with anything?_ ”

   “I encased it in stone,” Goro says huffily, to Ren’s cackling. “How was I supposed to know that wouldn’t hold it?”

   “Opened a big hole in the roof –”

   “Water went everywhere…”

   “The roof waterfall was the best idea I’ve ever had. Otherwise we wouldn’t have known there was a fire.”

   “I’m sure we would have realised eventually,” says Goro.

   “How?”

   “From everything being on fire.”

   “Oh.” Ren nods sagely. “Yeah, that’s a pretty good sign.”

   “It’s not on fire right now,” Goro says, very usefully.

   Ren nods again. “I like our house too,” he says. He grins at Goro. “I like living here with you.”

   “In Minecraft.”

   “In Minecraft!”

   “I do, too,” says Goro, gazing fondly back at Ren. “You’re a very good Minecraft husband.”

   “Aw, so are you.”

   They look happily at each other for a second.

   Bananas barks.

   “I think I’m going to go slaughter some things,” Goro decides, replacing his raw mutton with a sword.

   “Nice,” says Ren, nudging Baked Beans off a chest and sorting through his things for a pickaxe. “I’m gonna go dungeon diving. Goro doesn’t like dungeon diving,” he adds, addressing the camera. “So usually I do the mining.”

   “I do the crafting. We’re a good match.” Goro rests his head on Ren’s shoulder. “Maybe I’ll join you later, though.”

   “Romantical date.” Ren nudges the top of Goro’s head with his cheek. “Can’t wait to kill a bunch of spiders with you.”

   “Mm-hmm. Is there a lot more to learn about Minecraft?” Goro asks, sliding down the ladder to the Overworld. “I feel like there are still a lot of materials I’ve never seen.”

   “Oh yeah,” says Ren, and hastily closes his inventory before Goro can see the pale blue stones in the corner. “Yeah, there’s loads.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact their house is based on my floating house that i just built which was also a callback to my og dirt house. i bought minecraft.
> 
> there's a reference to this fic in one of my current wips so... i guess, stay tuned, gamers.

**Author's Note:**

> please for the sake of my dignity don't take this seriously i was determined to write this entire thing without doing an iota of research into minecraft beyond the few hours i spent playing it a couple of years ago and it shows


End file.
